Apparently I'm "Choosing the Wrong People" ...
For those who keep telling me that the reason I've lost my emotions is because I've chosen wrong in my life and I should change who I choose to be in my life. Here is a list of supposedly wrong choices:
- I didn't get a chance to chose my relatives. If I did chose this life before I was born, I don't see why the hell I would agree to them or my body with all of it's genetic issues.
- I chose various short term relationships based on chemistry, following my heart, friends, money/items wanted, the person was nice, interest, differing interests, same interests... all failed hard
- I chose a close friend who I worked with, he was a bit older and responsible enough. We got along amazingly while we lived together for over a year. There was really no issue in our relationship except he wanted to go back to his ex gf.
- I chose someone who was in the military, supposed to be full of honour and commitment. He was also born again Christian spouting off how he is a brother in peace to all. We were married for 3 years. Too bad he beat the hell out of me for years, cheated on me (found out a decade after the fact) and nearly killed me. So much for the military honour, commitment and peace.
- I chose someone who I loved immediately, I knew from the first time we talked that I'd love him forever. I followed my heart and soul who both screamed to be with this guy. I felt the most intense connection I've ever had with him. We shared religion, spiritual species, hearts, souls, all hobbies, all interests, we had an amazing time talking about everything, etc. We were not only married in life, but we also married spiritually in the astral in front of our gods. We loved each other in both spiritual and physical at the same time. I forgave him every time he hurt me and it nearly killed me when he left for a spiritual sister.
- I chose a best friend. He turned out to be far too different where things counted for me in a relationship. I found out a few things that created an instant dislike of him, I have not only lost a potential lover but also a best friend.
- I chose to give a very quick one week shot of someone I had loved greatly before things started going heavy to the anxiety and no emotions. There were several things on my side that made it rough to deal with the issues that happen with starting a relationship. Found out some issues I wouldn't have otherwise known without dating that make me question the friendship, but still hovering on how much I'll let it bug me. It won't save a date though.
Am I choosing the wrong friends?
- The biggest let down I had with a friend was someone who I could confide anything in (she later became a teacher/therapist to me when things got really bad with my now second ex husband), she would drive from another state to help if needed, she sometimes drove in to surprise take me to dinner, we talked for hours and did a lot of things together, we had a sisterly bond (even spiritually bonded as sisters), her daughter called me auntie from the moment she met me.... she eventually maneuvered her way into my ex's attention and took off with him. Found out later from a questionable source that all of that sisterly mentoring was supposedly her pitying me. I'm not sure if that's her true feelings or if he's just again giving me half truths to shut me up and "try to help me" again.
- I have had friends with various walks of life and various interest levels. I'm at about a 90% rate for those "friends" turning into seeking sex or some form of relationships. Which makes me sever those friendships because I cannot handle being touched or sex, and I don't really do well psychologically with relationships; it triggers my PTSD flares. Both of those issues turn me into a violent ball of stabbing people.
And for those who don't believe in biological issues, I have organ damages to the organs that control the hormones that create social bonding and love. It happened around the last of the PTSD anxiety driven heart attacks and psychological break that left me feeling like something literally broke inside me. I haven't been able to feel most social emotions since. About as deep as my feelings get are amusement, rage, irritated at the smallest provocation from people, nearly complete disinterest in human interaction (minus a very select few who share interests), nearly zero tolerance for others, and nearly zero need for a relationship. I don't even wake up or sleep lonely. The thing I'll get to missing is a group of creative types to hang around to siphon energy off of.
Yes I have chosen wrongly in my life, but if I can't choose for having things in common, following my heart, following my soul, following my instincts, attraction, common religion, intellectually (for if they have traits of a good companion even if there isn't commonalities) or if we click... idk what the fuck I'm supposed to use to pick friends or more.
- I didn't get a chance to chose my relatives. If I did chose this life before I was born, I don't see why the hell I would agree to them or my body with all of it's genetic issues.
- I chose various short term relationships based on chemistry, following my heart, friends, money/items wanted, the person was nice, interest, differing interests, same interests... all failed hard
- I chose a close friend who I worked with, he was a bit older and responsible enough. We got along amazingly while we lived together for over a year. There was really no issue in our relationship except he wanted to go back to his ex gf.
- I chose someone who was in the military, supposed to be full of honour and commitment. He was also born again Christian spouting off how he is a brother in peace to all. We were married for 3 years. Too bad he beat the hell out of me for years, cheated on me (found out a decade after the fact) and nearly killed me. So much for the military honour, commitment and peace.
- I chose someone who I loved immediately, I knew from the first time we talked that I'd love him forever. I followed my heart and soul who both screamed to be with this guy. I felt the most intense connection I've ever had with him. We shared religion, spiritual species, hearts, souls, all hobbies, all interests, we had an amazing time talking about everything, etc. We were not only married in life, but we also married spiritually in the astral in front of our gods. We loved each other in both spiritual and physical at the same time. I forgave him every time he hurt me and it nearly killed me when he left for a spiritual sister.
- I chose a best friend. He turned out to be far too different where things counted for me in a relationship. I found out a few things that created an instant dislike of him, I have not only lost a potential lover but also a best friend.
- I chose to give a very quick one week shot of someone I had loved greatly before things started going heavy to the anxiety and no emotions. There were several things on my side that made it rough to deal with the issues that happen with starting a relationship. Found out some issues I wouldn't have otherwise known without dating that make me question the friendship, but still hovering on how much I'll let it bug me. It won't save a date though.
Am I choosing the wrong friends?
- The biggest let down I had with a friend was someone who I could confide anything in (she later became a teacher/therapist to me when things got really bad with my now second ex husband), she would drive from another state to help if needed, she sometimes drove in to surprise take me to dinner, we talked for hours and did a lot of things together, we had a sisterly bond (even spiritually bonded as sisters), her daughter called me auntie from the moment she met me.... she eventually maneuvered her way into my ex's attention and took off with him. Found out later from a questionable source that all of that sisterly mentoring was supposedly her pitying me. I'm not sure if that's her true feelings or if he's just again giving me half truths to shut me up and "try to help me" again.
- I have had friends with various walks of life and various interest levels. I'm at about a 90% rate for those "friends" turning into seeking sex or some form of relationships. Which makes me sever those friendships because I cannot handle being touched or sex, and I don't really do well psychologically with relationships; it triggers my PTSD flares. Both of those issues turn me into a violent ball of stabbing people.
And for those who don't believe in biological issues, I have organ damages to the organs that control the hormones that create social bonding and love. It happened around the last of the PTSD anxiety driven heart attacks and psychological break that left me feeling like something literally broke inside me. I haven't been able to feel most social emotions since. About as deep as my feelings get are amusement, rage, irritated at the smallest provocation from people, nearly complete disinterest in human interaction (minus a very select few who share interests), nearly zero tolerance for others, and nearly zero need for a relationship. I don't even wake up or sleep lonely. The thing I'll get to missing is a group of creative types to hang around to siphon energy off of.
Yes I have chosen wrongly in my life, but if I can't choose for having things in common, following my heart, following my soul, following my instincts, attraction, common religion, intellectually (for if they have traits of a good companion even if there isn't commonalities) or if we click... idk what the fuck I'm supposed to use to pick friends or more.
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