My Experience with Soul Retrieval

After a lifetime of torture leading to a series of highly traumatic events I felt myself shatter and split much like you see in the cartoons when the character runs into something. I remember hearing through out my life that I needed to under go a soul shattering, but never found a way to do it in a controlled way so I guess it was done for me in the most violent way possible. There is a process to do it so the person being unmade then remade does not have psychosis, then there was the way it happened for me where it completely takes your mind apart in the process. I had a period of time where I completely lost touch with reality. I would sit on the ground then not be able to trust if it actually was the ground and felt like I was going to fall. I could see my home plane and this world at once and react with both of them; I would duck from the jutting crystals when the path here was clear. I slipped into a serious suicidal fit during this so I would just go home and be done with it. Fifteen attempts where my dragon grandmother, my teacher/guide, still on the home plane tossed me back going "you're not done yet," happened before the final one with a "don't make me tell you again." When an elder matron of your chaos dragon clan scolds you like that-- o.o

I waited for years thinking I would just heal. I did in a manner of speaking. Within a year or two I got a handle on my mental and got reality back, but I wasn't quite right. I couldn't use the more active abilities I use in this plane: the rituals, magic working, alchemy, seeing the dead, trancing, servitor creation, etc. just were not there. I still had the "chaos destruction aura," if you want to call it that, the ease of seduction and manipulation, and the quick curse via just being upset but that is something that is innate with my kind. It was like I was stripped of all that I had learned in all human 4 incarnations and was operating solely on dragon abilities.

I decided to go into myself and see what was going on. I read into soul retrieval since I could not find a competent shaman who would do one. The one I went to seemed to like the fact I was in my state, keep the demon broken vibe. This is part of what I found when I went into my head.

The Meditation:

Instead of my usual entrance into trance I see a familiar railroad track. I walk along it and see the baseball field that lead to a section of private beach my grandfather used to sneak me into as a child. I walk along the track until I find the spot in the woods where you can get down to the beach. I walk through the trees, they are darker and twisted than those that were there, and get to the beach. It is the typical beach glass and zebra muscle laden, blackish sand.  I look up towards the house who owns the land, it too is darker, nearly sinister. Behind it some of the features of the Void. I scan the other direction and see a golden frame of a person standing erect in a painful pose. "This is me, my human shell," I say as I look it over.

I notice a child playing near the water, it is me at around 3 years old. I go to her. "What do you have there, sea glass?" She looks up at me with teary eyes and holds out her hand. In it is a small glowing shard. She points out into the lake, my eyes following her arm. As my eyes go out over the water I see thousands of shining specks. "I must collect them all and put them into the basket," she says pointing to the human shaped frame. I immediately recognize these as parts of my energetic body.

My eyes scan over the water as it turns a blood red colour, a crystalline cliff that is seen within my home plane juts out of the water. I walk along the coast leaving the child me to collect her shards. I get closer and notice a cave. Within the cave I see my dragon soul coiled and visibly upset. I decide to start a dialog since this is the part of me where the problem lies. "Why are you hiding here?" 
"Because I want nothing to do with that weakling!" 
"What do you mean by this?" 
"Humans are so frail, something goes wrong and they break down. [...] They do not deserve to house one such as myself." 
"If I go to her, find out what is wrong, and fix it will you come back?" 
"Yes." 

[I went back to ask the child what was wrong and what she needed. I agreed to give her what she needed if she would be brave again. Then came back to the soul and brokered an agreement for her to help heal the rifts and work with the human parts while I gave her what she needs within my ability.]

Results:

I found that there was massive inner child work that needed done. Growing up abused and neglected had impacted that part of my psyche more than I had allowed myself to acknowledge previously. This was the part that was crying out the loudest when the last event happened that completely broke my touch with reality. The soul being an "evil" dragon was not amused by this weakness and childish response to what happened to us, she wanted to go after the person who caused it when the strength came back not sit around and cry like a baby. So she up and exited, breaking the energetic body and leaving me an empty shell.  

I have revisited this a few times when I go in to help the other sides of myself heal. I have them working in the background, but we are a team and all sides need to work together to get back to where we were before we broke. I keep feeling a part of this healing process will be to paint this scene so there will be something to see and quick meditate upon during the day via gazing. It is a work in process, just like the healing. In the mean time it has been a few years of self care including cuddling into blankets and pillows daily or comfort foods/drinks. For the dragon half I return to the ocean at night weekly so we can feel connected with Ama-Tiamat and recharge. I have slowly started to nose back into active practice so maybe I can start working again to get my terrestrial abilities back once I've healed my body more. I have major health issues that impede anything that takes a lot of energy.