Lost

After losing a medium sized friend circle of strong feminine energy women I have found myself in a slow slide into depression. I look for that strength in me but I hear the voices of the past (records if you have read my blog on that) tell me how much it's not there, no one cares, nothing I do matters, etc. I don't find that strength unless I'm backed into a corner and have to defend myself, then much like the days I had the PTSD black outs I snap into aggression mode and gain a backbone. If I can do it then I should be able to do it every day, all the time-- but how.

I used to feel content daily, strong and happy. I had a quiet and healing life. I knew it was getting time to get back to the job I was put here for and it's a bitch. I also knew I was not healed enough for it. But I'll be damned if my friends didn't up and disappear over some superficial bs. It was not too long after deciding to try to kill myself via starving myself to make a point to the medical society. The past year I've been in a slow decline, it was about a year now since the main woman, the lynch pin, left. I went into a few spiritual things to try to counter it but they are quick bursts and then back.

I noticed after talking about something unrelated that it seems to be stemmed from a need for an elder female. I miss my gma, who was my mother, terribly. She was abusive, raised me antisocial, and disowned me 15 yrs ago when I turned out to be still fat, infertile, inable to keep a relationship, and not Christian.  I tried to reconcile, I tried to kill the part of me who needed that, I tried to bury it, I tried to simply let it go... nothing seemed to work since it still hurts like it's fresh. So there is shame. Now there is guilt over the fact I did not succeed in reconciliation before she died and did not make it to her funeral due to circumstances not of my control. And a need to forgive myself and her for the whole lot.

All of this has weighed on me for decades, it probably has furthered the health problems. Make matters worse, the problems over this is inhibiting my ability to reconcile issues with my birth mother whom I did not really know growing up. I have serious emotional issues with parental positions from it and it creates a mote around me from trying to interact with other parents, even confronting or fixing things with my bio parents. Then the constant depression and feeling lost the past couple weeks is detrimental to my relationship. I don't even know what to do, but people say "just do it" which makes me upset because my "just do it" solutions are failing to work. I haven't figured it out to a solution to fix things to at least not affect my relationship. Another path needs found...