Androgynous musings

Without going too much TMI I will muse upon some things about growing up and finding out I was one of the non-gendered.

I was always a bit weird growing up. My body had this boyish look, but for all medical appearances I was a girl. I grew fast, adult sized and functions by 9 but halted development there. I was a flat chested girl with masculine features and could bulk develop muscles like the guys. I took advantage of it to try to build health, but I stayed obese despite the time constantly working out in what is now called cross-fit (180 from age 9 to 18). The boyish figure got comments like "why is that boy getting his nails painted?" I got more of a female figure when my thyroid failed and I gained 200 lbs at 19.

Physicality wise: I noticed I was getting complaints about being too small. The doctors even noticed that the usual instruments didn't work on me. As I learned more about anatomy vs myself, I realized I wasn't functioning or appearing fully like how normal women were supposed to be. Why? Yes this did affect many relationships with men, not so much with women.

fwd: 30s I got a DNA test, found CAH. As it turns out this genetic abnormality creates many conditions, one of which being androgynous (another form is hermaphrodites). It seems I got stuck in development before things fully formed and the hormones are not in proper production so they can function properly.

Sexuality: I never developed any sexual feelings and because of being raised away from internet and media I didn't realize it was abnormal. No one spoke of what was supposed to be healthy curiosity so I didn't know I was abnormal for being allured by features but not arroused. (Seems to be the hormonal dysfunction, maybe when those are balanced I'll get that fixed... too many or little of the corticosteroids causes lack there). I find that without sexuality I am attracted to things that make a person, so my relationships have more potential to be solid if they understand I'm not into genital aspects and never have been. The mind has always been where it is for me, and obviously being an artist I have some things that I love to look at for a partner: hair (long, dark, and curly), with tattoos, certain shapes in the face, dark eyes (maybe green),and tanned skin. Funny I can get the aesthetic stuff on or off a human... but the mind. My fiance does amazing filling this role for me and understanding ^-^ obviously a rare find.

Mentally: I always thought like a guy and had male style interests, even joke like a guy. It sometimes weirds people when they see me and find that I'm acting or speaking like a guy they know. I get comments about "be more like a girl" lol.

I will admit that because I struggle to fulfill the societal role of the woman I get upset sometimes because this was one reason I was disowned and called a failure of the family.

How does this work with my spirituality? It is interesting. I have the severity of both sides, the strength of masculine, but the stealthy severity of the feminine that the Levant region fears. I also follow a religion that many men wouldn't touch and people would never hear of a woman following because it requires so much violence. In fact I don't know of any women actively practicing it, only of the author of books (she could only gather information for the book, you never know). Besides that I also am an adept healer and dula for the dead.