Quick Muses

Genetic: I did a genetic test to get my health reports while between doctors. I have been taking the raw data and running through GedMatch reports to find where I am from, etc. Genetically I've found literally everything, with high concentrations of Arab/Persian genetic descent based areas: South Europe, Caucasus, Balkans, Greece, Romani, Ashkenazi Jew (also European), Near East, Anatolia/Turkey, etc. The rest is divided UK (British/Irish), Germany, Serbia, Iceland, Oceanic, Spanish, Native, Omotic, NW Semetic for the African reports, Eastern European...

Maternal haplogroup (first woman in my family): as of 18k yrs ago it appeared in the Middle to Near East (puts the first lineage within the Mesopotamian Empire) then this about modern info > “In fact, N1a is very scarce in Europe today, rarely surpassing levels of 1% in the places where it does occur — Hungary, Greece, and along the Baltic Sea.

Other members of N1a moved east instead, carrying the haplogroup through the Caucasus Mountains and into the Urals, where it is still found today. Some eventually traveled as far east as lake Baikal.”

Paternal haplogroup: unknown, I don't know men on my dad's side and did not talk to my father. So until I have contact with some male Horn who is a direct descendant, I won't know this.

Medical: I've seen some medical things in my DNA that are only carried by Semetic populations (neg neurological), some from Yoruba that are protecting me from Scandinavian negative genes... etc

Genetic Memory?: I had some things that I thought were past life, but a medium who deals with them asked me to describe my things flat said “sorry genetic memory.” Due to the Levant food being the only food /not/ an allergen to me and only thing I can digest, music is so soothing and second nature I flow and do the traditional dances (Greek, belly, etc) joyfully and spiritually, language is second nature while I'm learning, how I write even in English (how I do letters, ambidextrous, and writing backwards/upside down) let me fluid write Arabic/Farsi/etc easily. And there is walking into Persian/Arab areas and “hey fam! What country? Oh you mixed? It don't matter, you're one of us I can see it in your face!” Every time, Cris gets befuddled because he's also bits of Iraq, Jew, and Moroccan mixed and gets questions about being Samoan before Levant is brought up.

Health History- Abreviated:

• Day 1 of life: nearly dead due to liver issues, most sever jaundice and liver failure in the known history of the county apparently. Spent a lil while in NICU, back home.
• Mom said during the period before she had to give me up (I am guessing newborn to under a year) I had explosive diarrhea with formula (minus the one given to her when she first brought me home, so maybe they gave her the PKU formula after all for the BH4 deficiency, which is nutritional form of PKU- got that genetic thing plus carrier for PKU). Then when I tried solid food I never digested the veggies (you don't say! My inability to digest veggies and fruit was a life long problem?! Why no one got me checked?!)
• As long as I can remember, perpetual infections (bacterial and viral), some I got treated, others were left “to nature, her immune system will get it.” That included things like pneumonia, bronchitis, ENT problems, etc. (some of those when left to the immune will fester into major life issues or permanent systemic infections, the past maybe 12 yrs have felt like my bones are infected around the ENT area and perm lymphs swollen/infected including behind the soft pallet in the back of the roof of my mouth). This practice of “let the baby fester” has gotten me ER level sick several times in life.
  • I try to do things I grew up learning for the liver and infections: lemons, ginger, raw honey, royal jelly, garlic and onion (til I realized those two things hurt me, sulfation issues/gene thing like MTHFR, also have).
• Grew up quickly and male-like. I was huge and adult like by 9, 5'6” nearly 180 lbs. I got muscles like a guy, got hips/rear/etc but never developed breasts until I hit nearly 300 (now I'm chilling at a D cup at nearly 400 lbs) By 16/17 I had little actual fat, I was mostly muscle in stomach and legs, I could leg press 700 lbs, bench 200 lbs-- I had pecks where boobs should be, huge shoulders, and a well defined back with abs. Androgynous features (through pre-teen til teens if I dressed andro or male, I was often questioned about female vs male, until my hips got more filled out) and a male personality to go with it. <<< found out I have the gene for CAH, causes varying degrees of androgynous.
• I was always hyper-mobile with loose joints, double jointed and super flexible. Like perfect splits, etc. Yes EDS is in my genetics. I did suffer the typical things of someone with loose joints, constant injury to said joints; always with the knees from age of 2 til now. It's not only knees, ankle, and wrists, but now pelvic joints, spine, ribs (even the front rib joints on the sternum), etc. I'm constantly dislocating things people swear at impossible to dislocate.
• By 17 I lost my peak health, as much as it was health (the infections, the gastro issues of constipation, impaction, diarrhea, puking, anorexia, binging, etc.). The weakness with exercise started, I began to drop my instruments during performances or fall during push-ups/running, etc. This was the start of what is now the full paralysis.
• 2000/2001 18-19 was a 150 lb weight gain in 6 months while trying to get a hold of my erratic and severe periods via birth control (those got control of themselves when I went on NDT thyroid meds)
• Moved to CA in 2004, my asthma has all but cured itself. I have not had relapses except exercise induced or when around smoke. I have a different throat choke now, during allergic response (throat spasm) or if it flat out swells on it's own.
• By 2006/2007 I was severe autoimmune. Everything from before plus hives to every stimuli (probably histamine build up, histamine intolerance, etc) including water. If I got stressed, tried to eat, have any liquid, etc. I would be in the ER with a combo of hives plus Lupus rash, but no one looked for Lupus or said I can't have it due to the ANA-neg (which is only one of the many anti-bodies for Lupus... oye, even I know this).
• 2010 I forced a walk in clinic to look for thyroid, they didn't believe me. But when they looked at the numbers they couldn't believe I was still walking and stuck me on emergency meds. I should have been on meds loooong time ago. /medical neglect/ I saw a lab in 2008 that showed high enough thyroid in a CBC that I should have been on meds back then, but “you're fine.”
• 2016 I got a thoracic scan done for my core pains to check for genetic kidney issues (grandpa and recently mom), “please doc, make sure it's not polycystic kidney or something hideous like that.” Liver, spleen (my platelets are always high since I was a kid, no one wanted to look why, when the spleen gets enlarged, platelet count goes up... coincidence?), pancreas, all of them are swollen, but blood levels are all low or low-normal so “eh you're fine” … I would suspect some kind of systemic virus hiding to affect those many organs at once or, hell Lupus hits most of those at once. /gasp. (also have low sodium heart palps, under control with the Topamax, adrenal or just heart can't take whatever has been slamming my system low key since I was a kid).
• First neuro suspected MG for my paralysis (is in my family) titers were there, just shy of positive diagnosis. She couldn't get an answer before insurance got switched. Second Neuro wouldn't look into anything, called me CFS and “take vitamins.” (mofo if vitamins would help I wouldn't be here...). We have GB (which killed my gpa, with sepsis from chronic impactions in the gut), MG, MS, and Parkinson's (last two play in dad's death, with bad liver and low sodium heart attacks) so far in the family for things that create paralytic issues. >.> (amused face). There is a laundry list of other things I need to get for my DO and new Neuro. Gods I still need to fight the insurance for my endo and GI with all this executor of my dad's items crap...

Now some things that have been going on in a more esoteric way: (things said to others about me, things seen by others about me, things I've seen felt that feel irrational, realization this am).

• As a kid I had a dream where I'm some pivotal figure in a major turning in the world. Sometimes I am a grand dragon forcing the world to worship me and may destroy it if they don't comply into peace and do so. Other times it was destroy the old world and raised a new one. Same dream from child to 20s. I always took comfort in those apocalyptic dreams, never saw them as nightmares. I broke it down gematria one day for some “that's interesting.” I should go back to the gematria and see if I see anything new. I have that break down in the journal somewhere.
  // kind of like “hey welcome to the job of helping lead people into transition/evolution.” Very High Priestess/Tower card kind of Vibe.
• From about the age of 2, I had an inherent ability for those channeled messages, ESP style dreams, speaking to plants and animals; but nothing when it came to people, an absolute void of feeling or connection for people. Well I can do friendships, but that love/family thing is blocked. Even on astrology, it says for what I need to do in life, I need to be alone from having family.
• There is this weird thing that people often get scared about. I've had a few readers/healers look into my health and they came back with their religion's version of "you are innately able to curse when angry. Don't get angry." IFA called me Iyami, Vodou "child of Kalfou," chaote says it's innate use of "rage magick," but all diff language for same idea. I get mad and say things, bad things happen. Only been that pissed about 4 times in my life... 
• I went to a shamanic healer once to see about “past life healing” at a faire. She said I had several ghosts stuck on organs that were problematic (I hadn't told her which ones). She hinted that I was someone who draws them to me similar to a ferryman and they felt safe with me instead of crossing over. They didn't mean to suck the life out of me into sickness. Then she got them to cross, I was supposed to be healed after that. (not healed).
  • I got pointed to the Death Dula table after the session, it made perfect life sense, life a purpose I should realize. Something about helping people through the death process feels like a calling (so does helping through trauma).
• As previously mentioned I have seen a couple types of aliens/interdimensional beings/whatever they are after teen years til now, esp now that I've been doing work to heal people. I will sketch them one day, it's hard to get the right angels for the one that keeps morphing and I just gave up drawing/trying to force the “name the faction/species” because they usually respond to “leave now!” or some kind of hiss. One is almost fractal in heads coming out of orifices of another head with more heads coming out of their orifices... o.O
• You mentioned I was important and it was why I was getting attacked: During one of Cris' crises he had a visit by a being that called itself an angel. It delivered an interesting message about us. It had some things to say about me:
  • I was going to be very important to healing people from trauma, the vision he saw seemed to be art therapy melded with psychic work. And it was power healing, born out of however I healed myself.
  • He was shown one of the top tiers of the tree of life, it was to represent my home away from here. I was sent to repair something and help awaken certain people. I chose to step into this family thinking I could handle it. I wasn't expecting the level of hate I would experience in this life so it wounded the soul creating what I have now (the inner child which people see, often presents at people like a tepee city, all black like the middle of a moonless night. Blood runs from all the tepees into a river. A single fire lights the center, showing a toddler who is a black shade with red eyes --- She's there, so hurt that I could kill either myself or someone else if I keep getting brutality instead of love … as it was interpreted by one of the viewers, am a few abuses away from completely losing my soul.) IE … I need help and a ton of love, in many forms, from many people to help me turn it around.
• The irrational:
  • Absolute hatred of Catholic, dislike of most Abrahamic ideals (something I'm coming to settle down about since studying Sumerian and seeing all the links through history and how it all fits and is all one huge story that is just retold over and over and over, etc and things got lost in translation). BUT I can walk into any denomination and be like “I'm an interfaith minister. I'm having a day where I'd like to sit in (or maybe like now, I'm having a small crisis, can I seek some counsel)” and feel comfortable... Catholic I feel like they killed my puppy or I'm going to burn in flames for walking into the building. Was legit surprised I walked in to get water with no events.
  • Blonde/blue combo (unless proven awesome people, hell my half-sis is one of them awesome people and a few friends), esp those who like to remind me that people like me would be killed at birth if Hitler would have won. Or those who remind me that only blondes are marriage worthy and “the pretty people.” … don't lump me as “white” if it means I'm getting force grouped with people who want to nix me from the gene pool cause only they are “white” and my features are not white enough to join the club >.>
  • Crusades (esp what they created/did--- down to the greed of Prince Philip driving pilfering of other lands' holy relics, etc.). I can weirdly see a ripple through history, not just understand the book info and archeology... literally see it like I was there. What region pushed where, who pushed back, who over reacted where, what caused who... now we have this.
  • The housewife = house slave (even if she is a willing participant of wanting to stay home and take care of the family, I feel it is a thankless and expected slavery... then again I feel “cog in the machine” style jobs for far too little pay is also a form of slavery.). <<< one reason I may never be able to stay at home or work from home to heal up, always with the 2-3 jobs.
• Now for what hit me about when you said knight.
  • Cris once said he caught a glimpse of a past life of mine. He said I was a knight who stood in amazing armour with a shield that had a double red dragon on it. I know that is no known family crest. maybe when I collect more names in finding death records looking for more evidence of paralytics for my insurance (to fight the “no need to test, you're fine” while I'm inches from a wheel chair...). On 23andMe I found a Moldovian cousin, sounds like maybe something in that region? Idk. When I recoiled and showed disgust he told me to not do it. He saw I was noble and anything I did back then was in defense of my home.
  • When I was trying to sleep you saying you saw a knight, the word crusades, then I flashed to the knight discussion I had with Cris.... it hit me. Now this is just a flash idea with chain of thoughts that sparked this huge experience>>> Now assume the knight you saw is the past life he saw. I could have killed this incarnation's ancestors. Being that genetically my first mother is from the Mesopotamian Empire (going off of the info on the maternal haplogroup) and seeing the expansion of that group, by the Crusades they could have been in the Balkans into South Europe just in time for the knight to swoop in for a battle. Crusaders where also scorned by the Catholic church and burned for their trouble, perhaps some of the “I'll burn if I set foot into a Catholic church” hatred.
    • Once I hit the realization that it could all be tied together and I voiced “I killed my own ancestors, no wonder they all hate me and each other.” I cried so hard. I immediately felt this deep need to do atonement, Ho'oponopono came pouring out of me as I sobbed. I never felt actually sorry and the need for forgiveness in life. I actually saw the room go from dark to a deep orange around me, like a warm sun set, while I did the chant. I fell asleep extremely deep but didn't get much rest (still up after an hour like the rest of the week). This is probably similar to what I've heard Christians speak of as when they feel the spirit come into them and they have to drop to their knees to pray for forgiveness and to be saved. OR for the spirit science people a karmic atonement moment.
    • I had mentioned the other day that I was going to heal this damned family line if it killed me. Among the other glimpses of why I was sent here (one to Cris and to me directly), I feel driven to get the generational thing settled so it doesn't affect my nieces and nephews (already on my nephew from what I can see). If I have a situation where one family line killed the other, or some where past life (even current life) offenders or racism/murder/etc of others and I came in as a mix of everything (and celebrate it, I actually do theme days where I do pride to each of my heritages, save for the UK and Irish for some reason lol) to say “look here, I'm everything, my body exists in harmony, I draw the hurt to heal them. You can live in harmony too.” Ho'oponopono can do just that, healing of self, the dead relatives, the current relatives, the next generation, and community all in the same mantra.
      • And that line about drawing those who hurt, my whole life I draw in the damaged people, take their pain/abuse/etc yes even abuses towards me while they lash at the one who helps them. Then I work to transform/heal them or at least “destroy” that barrier that is keeping them in that destructive pattern so they can better themselves. This is what drives my want to be a counselor/therapist of some sort.
      • I also have had a motto for myself from about 8 yrs old maybe: “I am the piece of chaos in everyone's life that destroys to help.” I am usually the court jester/mirror of whoever is mean in my presence. “You don't like what I'm doing, look at yourself.” I found out there is a classification of shaman that is just that. Perhaps that is what I was supposed to be if I got the training instead of what I did in life (heap of a lot of abuse for 1. being born out of wedlock- dad raped mom in a drug fog 2. mom being lesbian- seed of a lesbian must be a devil child 3. I could point out errors in the bible or flaws in christian logic- I must be devil child 4. I had spiritual gifts as a child- must be devil child 5. women should be xyz, bible says so – thought it was all slave bs, must be devil child and bad woman ...).