A Child of Tiamat Ponders

I have long been feeling lost, disconnected and wondering what I am doing still here. This has started somewhat a year ago when I had to give up practice (for reasons I cannot remember now) and has been eating at me. I have always despised the form I am in while in the physical plane; I feel trapped, powerless and like I'm being punished by being here. I hear from my teachers and guides that I am here to do my job (spread chaos into people's lives so they can get past blockages and utter destruction to those who earn it), that my path is one I need to walk alone and there are lessons here that I can only learn while being in this form. These are not comforts to me, but they make me trudge on when I am otherwise dragging my feet. While reading from the Grimoire of Tiamat I have been able to make connections that make the above not as bad as I have been perceiving them to be. First off with my form; I have loathed humans for being slave creations of the bastard gods who rose up against our Mother. They were made from the ground and with the blood of Kingu. Firstly the ground is her Flesh. Secondly she bore all others, whether they came from her mating or ripping them from her flesh, everything shares her blood. So I am in a vessel made from her flesh and filled with her blood. I am not only born of her spiritually (religious and in soul) but also in a body who shares her blood and flesh. Humans may have been crafted by bastard gods to be slaves, but they were created out of Her body and blood. Now for the connection issues. I have been wondering around like a lost child, but feel whole when I'm in the ocean. The ocean /is/ Ama-Tiamat, Primal Mother of all. The salt water is linked to Her while the fresh waters are linked to Apsu, her mate. When I'm at the most need of a mother's care is when I feel the pull to the ocean the hardest. I actually get anxiety attacks when I am too far away or it's been too long since I've seen it. I haven't been lost and disconnected from Mother, I just haven't been receptive to Her presence, or any other dragon's presence, since the issues that caused me to halt active practice. She is always with me as the body is of Her and my soul is of Her, Her energy is all around; I just need to be receptive and open to feeling Her in places less concentrated than the ocean. I am hopeful my new book will give me the drive to take up active practice again. By active I mean daily workings, if not multiple times a day. I have a lot of catch up to do as I also need to catch up on the spiritual paintings I was channeling. Now to sleep upon these new connections.