Reasons to be Concerned I have Schizophrenia
I have been keeping an eye on my mental state since I found out schizophrenia is heavily genetic. The psychologists I saw as a teen did not seem concerned about it. In fact the last one went "you're just sociopathic, no drug will help you and there's nothing I can do." Then wiped his hands of me. I have been working to keep myself in line on my own, esp the past four years as I developed an inability to trust anyone including myself so definitely was not going to a stranger to help me. I question how urgently I need to seek a psychologist because I don't know if my issues are due to the decades of trauma or if my psychotic break four years ago triggered a latent or controlled mental condition. Here are some things that make me question.
I mentioned genetics because of the people I know of my relatives, 3 of 15 have been institutionalized for schizophrenia, schizoid effective and schizotypal (1 I know, 2 I know of). Pretty much one per generation have gotten hospitalized for something in the schizophrenic spectrum after being misdiagnosed and treated for the wrong diagnoses for many years. I have always been a conspiracy theorist, but since the psychotic break I've developed a deep paranoia that everyone I come in contact with are out to hurt, sleep with, or use me. No one could possibly want to associate with me without an ulterior motive. I can't even sleep around other people, am hyper vigilant about them trying to kill me. This paranoia leads me to violent outbursts when someone gets too close to me. I've even tried to attack people who I felt threatened by, walking in my direction too quickly or standing/sitting too close.
I do have visual and auditory hallucinations since I was 14. They used to be beautiful then tell me to kill myself because it was better on the other side. Now they are just horror or my fears (usually demonic spiders or everyone who has abused me in the past haunting me). I have auditory thoughts all the time, but I get some that are like recordings of every horrible thing that was told to me in the person's voice who said it. They barate the back of my head all the time. I can sometimes quiet them with music. I often wonder if the secondary body I feel when in meditation or near sleep states are hallucinations. I start to question all of my spiritual experiences.
I don't usually worry about my issues with people because I don't feel the need to go out and create relationships. I don't really want nor need another lover nor do I feel the need to develop close friends. I have some who try and are very patient with my issues. I seem to have little to no emotion period. I just have the visceral emotions: content, amused, rage. Sometimes I get fear, and very rarely I'll feel normal and get more emotional range. I have been having more frequent boughts where I lack motivation to do anything: work, hobbies, clean, even eating. Can spend an entire day sitting in bed just staring at the wall with no feeling. I seem to gain less pleasure from things I used to love, esp when I'm like that. My thoughts are very sporatic anymore. I can't seem to get what is in my head out of my mouth (or even on paper while trying to do my paperwork) and it is very frustrating communicating with people at work because I know what it looks like when I stuter and can't find the words.
I mentioned genetics because of the people I know of my relatives, 3 of 15 have been institutionalized for schizophrenia, schizoid effective and schizotypal (1 I know, 2 I know of). Pretty much one per generation have gotten hospitalized for something in the schizophrenic spectrum after being misdiagnosed and treated for the wrong diagnoses for many years. I have always been a conspiracy theorist, but since the psychotic break I've developed a deep paranoia that everyone I come in contact with are out to hurt, sleep with, or use me. No one could possibly want to associate with me without an ulterior motive. I can't even sleep around other people, am hyper vigilant about them trying to kill me. This paranoia leads me to violent outbursts when someone gets too close to me. I've even tried to attack people who I felt threatened by, walking in my direction too quickly or standing/sitting too close.
I do have visual and auditory hallucinations since I was 14. They used to be beautiful then tell me to kill myself because it was better on the other side. Now they are just horror or my fears (usually demonic spiders or everyone who has abused me in the past haunting me). I have auditory thoughts all the time, but I get some that are like recordings of every horrible thing that was told to me in the person's voice who said it. They barate the back of my head all the time. I can sometimes quiet them with music. I often wonder if the secondary body I feel when in meditation or near sleep states are hallucinations. I start to question all of my spiritual experiences.
I don't usually worry about my issues with people because I don't feel the need to go out and create relationships. I don't really want nor need another lover nor do I feel the need to develop close friends. I have some who try and are very patient with my issues. I seem to have little to no emotion period. I just have the visceral emotions: content, amused, rage. Sometimes I get fear, and very rarely I'll feel normal and get more emotional range. I have been having more frequent boughts where I lack motivation to do anything: work, hobbies, clean, even eating. Can spend an entire day sitting in bed just staring at the wall with no feeling. I seem to gain less pleasure from things I used to love, esp when I'm like that. My thoughts are very sporatic anymore. I can't seem to get what is in my head out of my mouth (or even on paper while trying to do my paperwork) and it is very frustrating communicating with people at work because I know what it looks like when I stuter and can't find the words.
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