I Wish I was Raised Like a Boy...

As a child I was raised with the propaganda of family first. I would be expected to take care of children, make food for the family, take care of the home, etc.; but don't forget to get an education and get a job until you get the family. Needless to say I was thoroughly confused. Everything I wanted to do ended up with the answer "how are you going to provide for your future?" "You will not be able to leave that when you get married." or even "no man will want you if you do that." I had an IQ in the 190s (still testing 180 after brain damage from autoimmune encephalitis), was years ahead of my classmates, perfect marks in the advanced placement classes, perfect attendance in school; but here I was being trained that nothing I wanted was good enough because I had to take care of men. I was simultaneously told that if I did well I could get into college, but have these skills because you are woman therefore don't get too far in a career.

I revolted hard. I refused to learn to cook, I would not clean unless paid and even then it was half assed, at 9 when I began womanhood I went through a few months and decided I wanted a hysterectomy because "I don't want kids, this isn't worth going through." I was told that the "I don't want kids" opinion was not valid and I would change my mind. I'm just about 40 and still don't want them, hell I can't have them, still can't get the surgery to stop the menses to alleviate a major health problem I've lived with over 20 years because "I'll eventually want kids." I'm approaching peri-menopause, I don't have time to change my mind. I would date but it was pretty much me using sex to get things from guys instead of looking for marriage. I had to have gone through at least 20 boyfriends (starting with a youth minister at a church I was forced to go to) from 13-17. After realizing that I was not accepting neither Christian indoctrination nor the proper "women's place" I was disowned with a "I don't know where I went wrong with you, but there is nothing else that can be done."

There I was entering college, homeless, married a "good Christian guy" for a place to stay. I honoured our agreement for the relationship (open because I was not staying pregnant, he figured another guy would give us the kid so he'd pick out men to sleep with me), I went to school, I held multiple jobs to bring in money (jobs in that town meant fast food, warehouse packing, factory, etc), tried to take care of the home since he didn't despite being the one who stayed home. I did good right? No, I got beaten many times within inches of my life. When I wanted a divorce, NOPE it was grounds to be beaten to death per the bible. I survived. I wanted suicide to get out and spare him the divorce. NOPE my heathen soul would not go to heaven if I did suicide, another beating nearly to death. Again I survived. I had miscarriages, beaten nearly to death for losing the baby. I did my duty as a woman as it was taught and stayed there because "family first" and "stay by your man." Eventually it was to the point I had to leave or I'd die and I finally had a way to disappear when we moved to Los Angeles.

I spent the next two years while I got residency and the divorce went through using men before I could be used. If I had a "relationship" it was a 3 date maximum and I refused to be monogamous. Again neglecting the "woman's place" but because the only work experience I had was warehouse, amusement parks, fast food, and hotel I was only able to get a hotel job (which I still have). My degrees meant nothing out here without intern experience. Mighty provider was still in the poverty class, clawing around because she couldn't get into a proper college.

I decided to settle down again, I found the love of my life. It was intense passion every moment of every day. That intense passion came with use being abusive to each other over time. It was not healthy for either of us. We ended up having to split and it literally tore me apart at the soul level. This time was monogamy, we worked together on the home, we worked together for most things. If you ticked all boxes for twin flames and perfect marriages that will last we had it all. It lasted 4 years. My reality shattered hard, convinced my whole life was a lie. I couldn't even trust the ground under me was there and would hold me.

I've lived putting my men before me, even when dating. I put my health aside for their food choices, activity choices. I sacrificed sleep, allergy issues, went to the ER because my immune had a problem, went to the hospital because I took the brunt of their being angry at something. I'm dying now from a disease caused from too many years of extended stress (abusive relatives, abusive husbands to the point of torture some days, homeless, too much work with double full time student and two full times jobs...) because I put them first as I was raised. I have no career to show for the work I did in school. I have no money in the bank to pay doctors to fix it, hell have no money in the bank to cover proper food. I wish I could have just moved to Los Angeles first before college and went to school out here. I wish I could have not been discouraged for a career because "but family first" (the family that raised me family first left me alone to rot and die). I wish that I could have gotten into a proper college to get a degree that would have been better received in the real world (tech college degrees didn't get me anywhere but a hotel despite having four of them). I get to die alone because I was not raised to value money and success. Hell I could probably still be alone but at least I could afford proper food, doctors, and better housing.

They say at the end of life people regret not putting family first. I did and still got left to rot because I'm not the right religion or because I'm sick (the more current reasons why I can't hold onto a date/husband). I regret not putting a career first, it would have had the same result.