Importance of Closure
I've lived through my life without people apologizing to me or getting much closure for past events. I pretty much had built up enough ego around it that I felt that I did not need it. After a few events I found that I was wrong in that regard.
I tried to find closure for myself through meditation and what people consider mindful acts. I decided that emotionally I was fine and that I did not need to hear "sorry" from any one who injured me in the past. I worked hard to heal myself on my own. I was successful; to a degree. I could live as a well adjusted adult and seem like I had not lived through the hell of being tortured despite carrying the scars. I did not harbor the active hate or resentment anymore. To a psychologist I would be considered cured. There always felt like there was something missing.
A few years ago an ex had come back into my life and apologized to me for how my life went since he left me. He did something that became a common theme in my life, left me when everything seemed to be going well for an ex of his that he was still in love with. After that I went through two abusive marriages that nearly claimed my life, some rapes by friends, lived in the streets, disowned by family, and some more hellish things. It is almost like that was a catalyst for a snowball into hell. But I did not blame him for it, but he felt the need to say he was sorry for leaving me like he did elevent years after the fact. The next day I sat and cried. I did not realize how much I needed to hear it even though it was a small act. He genuinely needed to say it, I let him speak his peace, I said it was all cool between us, and a major purge and healing happened within me.
Most recently I had a guy, I could call him an ex since we were talking like we wanted to get together in the future but he was so far away in distance nothing really happened yet so the emotional fall out was not so much, come to do the same. He contacted me a few months after I told him to piss off. He needed to speak his peace about how sorry he was and he prayed for my continued happiness in life. I assured him I harbored no resentment towards him, all was cool, I was happy, and my life will be well. Once he got to speak that final peace all of the contact requests were deleted and he said he wouldn't be contacting me again. I didn't need it as much as I felt he did. I still respect him as far as I could tell he was a decent guy under everything, just a bit lost (much like another ex of mine and a few friends) so I allowed him to say what he needed to in order to clear his conscience. I don't feel much different for it outside of feeling like a decent human being like I would for being a counselor, mediator (like I used to do in school), or helping a friend.
We often don't realize how important it is to say what is on our chests and in our minds to people in our lives who have harmed us and to have them hear us. It is one thing to unleash on them in anger or to try to tell them calmly but have them shut us down; but to be heard is a much deeper cleansing. It is a shame that we don't know how to split up in a way that we can allow proper closure to all parties involved. I'd be lying if I didn't wish to be heard by a few people, but I know even if I could talk to them they would never hear me in the way I need them to. In the mean time I keep using the tools I know to try to give myself closure on one end until I can get the genuine apology even if it never comes, art.
I tried to find closure for myself through meditation and what people consider mindful acts. I decided that emotionally I was fine and that I did not need to hear "sorry" from any one who injured me in the past. I worked hard to heal myself on my own. I was successful; to a degree. I could live as a well adjusted adult and seem like I had not lived through the hell of being tortured despite carrying the scars. I did not harbor the active hate or resentment anymore. To a psychologist I would be considered cured. There always felt like there was something missing.
A few years ago an ex had come back into my life and apologized to me for how my life went since he left me. He did something that became a common theme in my life, left me when everything seemed to be going well for an ex of his that he was still in love with. After that I went through two abusive marriages that nearly claimed my life, some rapes by friends, lived in the streets, disowned by family, and some more hellish things. It is almost like that was a catalyst for a snowball into hell. But I did not blame him for it, but he felt the need to say he was sorry for leaving me like he did elevent years after the fact. The next day I sat and cried. I did not realize how much I needed to hear it even though it was a small act. He genuinely needed to say it, I let him speak his peace, I said it was all cool between us, and a major purge and healing happened within me.
Most recently I had a guy, I could call him an ex since we were talking like we wanted to get together in the future but he was so far away in distance nothing really happened yet so the emotional fall out was not so much, come to do the same. He contacted me a few months after I told him to piss off. He needed to speak his peace about how sorry he was and he prayed for my continued happiness in life. I assured him I harbored no resentment towards him, all was cool, I was happy, and my life will be well. Once he got to speak that final peace all of the contact requests were deleted and he said he wouldn't be contacting me again. I didn't need it as much as I felt he did. I still respect him as far as I could tell he was a decent guy under everything, just a bit lost (much like another ex of mine and a few friends) so I allowed him to say what he needed to in order to clear his conscience. I don't feel much different for it outside of feeling like a decent human being like I would for being a counselor, mediator (like I used to do in school), or helping a friend.
We often don't realize how important it is to say what is on our chests and in our minds to people in our lives who have harmed us and to have them hear us. It is one thing to unleash on them in anger or to try to tell them calmly but have them shut us down; but to be heard is a much deeper cleansing. It is a shame that we don't know how to split up in a way that we can allow proper closure to all parties involved. I'd be lying if I didn't wish to be heard by a few people, but I know even if I could talk to them they would never hear me in the way I need them to. In the mean time I keep using the tools I know to try to give myself closure on one end until I can get the genuine apology even if it never comes, art.
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