Musings of a Dragonatrix

I know I get some detailed gross dreams, but magnesium just makes them worse. Doing 1500 mg. I was a drakkin working as a teacher's aid in a specialaist training school. I left and went over to the spa. I spot a few friends. As I join them I notice pain in my legs. I veered off to the housing area and into my apt. Wasting no time, I lay down with a chilled blanket over my legs. After a few hours I awoke and noticed more pain. I pulled back the blanket to notice the carapaces of at least 30 long, thin wasp like creatures. They were maybe 1/4" wide. Each had died and ripped a hole into my canvas jeans. I slowly pull them off, the husks hitting the floor in a pile, revealing the horror underneath. Each of the wasps had stung me with massive stingers and left them in the necrotizing wounds. Their venom was so potent that it even ate through our scaling. The stingers varied in size from half to an inch in width and at least an inch long. They had a barbed outter sheath which help...

I was listening to a lecture in the anxiety summit where the speaker was lecturing about how depression works. He spoke on a study where they forced mice to swim until they gave up. I suddenly remembered about how animals will go off from their pack when they are ill, crawling off to die. As the lecture went on he started saying the depression symptoms are supposed to protect the body. We get away from others, find somewhere dark and quite, sleep more, maybe eat less, all that allows the body to rest and repair. It was when it is chronic that it is seen as a problem. I always had this thought of my hermitism and celibacy both were a human form of crawling off to die. Now I find out it is an instinctual mechanism for the body to try to heal. Don't feel so off about it.

Within Gematria it is said that if two words or phrases equal each other then there are interrelating correspondences. To boil it down, if they equal each other they are the same. Long time ago I had checked my name and came up with a list of words that if you look at them they are slightly disturbing. Looking at them the other day I could not resist putting them into narrative form. They will be listed capitalized in Bold. A dream I've had since I was a child written to include the words that are within my Gematria correspondences: Upon the Bad Moon in the dead of night, The Fiend awakens and stretches her winged Basilisk form. The first thing on her mind was Kill Kill Kill. The Lord of some texts has deemed this night the Armageddon . The Cold Blood ed Demiurge has taken up her seat of power upon a Mighty and active Volcano . Since the world would not bow and worship her in her full glory as they are supposed to. She sits Hate-Filled and Calculated awaiting ...

I just blew my mind while messing with numerology. I sometimes run odd calculations when I get muddled by the ones I'm actually working on. The typical way to do the birth number calculation is per number. Shall use my birthday. - 1+0+0+7+1+9+8+1= 27 = 2+7= 9 I decided to see what would happen if I added the month to the date to the year as a lump: - 10+7+1981= 1998 = 27 = 9 It works with today's date as well: - 5+4+2+0+1+4= 16 = 7   vs   5+4+2014= 2023 = 2+2+3= 7 To further add to the mind blowing... 1998 was my glory year where I had everything I ever wanted in life (including having my musical talent broadcasted on worldwide tv and touring the us and canada) and was at my happiest. 27 is the year that the events that lead to my psychotic break and redefining "hell" started. I still love the number, it's always been my fave and a highly spiritual number 3^3, esp for draconic work.

I have had more than a few prophetic dreams in my life. I can usually tell when it is either prophetic or dealing with a psychological issue because those are the only times I dream as a human. But so far for this year can show the freakish level of detail I get. I will put the dream in brackets, the actual is normal. An Attempt to Kill: {I was at my friend's house for the first time. I was on one of two couches sitting with a male near me. One of her roommates got too close to me and I lounged over the couch to try to kill him. I was subdued gently until I calmed down. I cried in a bathroom while a brindle coloured pit bull licked my face constantly. I was given Valium to help calm me down til I could function.}  On New Years I was at my friend's for the first time. She did in fact have two couches. I was sitting at one while a director I work with (how her and I met) was on another. He said something that set off my PTSD. I blacked out, went off of the couch trying to ki...

It is no secret by now that the dragon side of me resents being in a human flesh bag. I notice that during the days I have a relapse or terror that makes my mind weaker I become very disgusted with myself. I find my dragon side absolutely degrading the human psyche for being so weak. I am impatient with that part of me because I am a dragon soul, I am above humanity, I should be past all that plagues the human mind. It's supposed to be a wondrous thing with unlimited potential, yet so fragile that it breaks with the slightest emotional issue. I wonder if my resisting therapy is the dragon part refusing to accept this weakness. I can't seem to pull my personalities together again because one half is disgusted with the other's weakness. I shouldn't need to have help and I should damn well have been over a pair of jackasses by now.

I have been keeping an eye on my mental state since I found out schizophrenia is heavily genetic. The psychologists I saw as a teen did not seem concerned about it. In fact the last one went "you're just sociopathic, no drug will help you and there's nothing I can do." Then wiped his hands of me. I have been working to keep myself in line on my own, esp the past four years as I developed an inability to trust anyone including myself so definitely was not going to a stranger to help me. I question how urgently I need to seek a psychologist because I don't know if my issues are due to the decades of trauma or if my psychotic break four years ago triggered a latent or controlled mental condition. Here are some things that make me question. I mentioned genetics because of the people I know of my relatives, 3 of 15 have been institutionalized for schizophrenia, schizoid effective and schizotypal (1 I know, 2 I know of). Pretty much one per generation have gotten hosp...