Musings of a Dragonatrix

It is no secret by now that the dragon side of me resents being in a human flesh bag. I notice that during the days I have a relapse or terror that makes my mind weaker I become very disgusted with myself. I find my dragon side absolutely degrading the human psyche for being so weak. I am impatient with that part of me because I am a dragon soul, I am above humanity, I should be past all that plagues the human mind. It's supposed to be a wondrous thing with unlimited potential, yet so fragile that it breaks with the slightest emotional issue. I wonder if my resisting therapy is the dragon part refusing to accept this weakness. I can't seem to pull my personalities together again because one half is disgusted with the other's weakness. I shouldn't need to have help and I should damn well have been over a pair of jackasses by now.

I have been keeping an eye on my mental state since I found out schizophrenia is heavily genetic. The psychologists I saw as a teen did not seem concerned about it. In fact the last one went "you're just sociopathic, no drug will help you and there's nothing I can do." Then wiped his hands of me. I have been working to keep myself in line on my own, esp the past four years as I developed an inability to trust anyone including myself so definitely was not going to a stranger to help me. I question how urgently I need to seek a psychologist because I don't know if my issues are due to the decades of trauma or if my psychotic break four years ago triggered a latent or controlled mental condition. Here are some things that make me question. I mentioned genetics because of the people I know of my relatives, 3 of 15 have been institutionalized for schizophrenia, schizoid effective and schizotypal (1 I know, 2 I know of). Pretty much one per generation have gotten hosp...

What Does Being Spiritually Modified Mean? I have pondered upon this and for once I have been all over the place in finding the words to write especially since I was trying to keep this strictly within the body modification realm. I will admit that I have not been in the right mind this year and very dissociated from myself so I cannot seem to connect to the part of me who channels the words my conscious cannot muster, but I shall do my best. To define what being "spiritually modified" means is a life-long journey unto itself. I don't know if I can fully answer this at the moment since it raises more questions than answers. Separately the terms define as follows. Spiritual refers to the supernatural. It is one's soul and the connection with the energy currents that run through the Universe. Modified has a polar definition: it is augmented, changed and converted, yet diminished, restricted and limited at the same time. Literally it can be defined as "a changed s...

I have long been feeling lost, disconnected and wondering what I am doing still here. This has started somewhat a year ago when I had to give up practice (for reasons I cannot remember now) and has been eating at me. I have always despised the form I am in while in the physical plane; I feel trapped, powerless and like I'm being punished by being here. I hear from my teachers and guides that I am here to do my job (spread chaos into people's lives so they can get past blockages and utter destruction to those who earn it), that my path is one I need to walk alone and there are lessons here that I can only learn while being in this form. These are not comforts to me, but they make me trudge on when I am otherwise dragging my feet. While reading from the Grimoire of Tiamat I have been able to make connections that make the above not as bad as I have been perceiving them to be. First off with my form; I have loathed humans for being slave creations of the bastard gods who ros...

I have always valued proper terminology when in conversation, especially when it comes to abstract concepts or spiritual discussion. Using proper terminology ensures there is no confusion and makes communication easier. I have noticed over the years in the occult community that people adopt terms and find a way to rationalize the use to make it ok. I end up adjusting what I call myself to try to not being associated with the groups who start to use the same terms for something else. One easy way to show this is in herbology. The differences between an infusion, maceration, decotion, extract, and essential oil is the process or things used. If you want to tell someone to make something, you use one of those terms and the person automatically knows what to do. It is completely unnecessary to go "hey you can make an extract but use oil as a base" when you can go "make an essential oil", this is what the terms are there for. To bring it back to the original intent o...

I am working on pulling together an artist blog for people to keep track of my works in progress, progress on projects, thoughts pertaining to art, articles, etc. I am going to use a quick basic template google site so there is no layout questions here, I will be doing a full site whenever I get around to hosting a professional portfolio. I feel a site is best for this vs a legit blog due to layout options, it's hard to keep things in the same collection, or relevant items together with my twitter, tumblr and other blog like sites. I would like things to be easy for people to find. The question I pose is a visual one. For those who are familiar with my work you (if you aren't there's my tumblr  http://dragonatrix.tumblr.com/ ) will note I'm a bit of a horror surrealist, dragon and gore enthusiast. I'm looking to poll people on which themes will be most welcomed for my graphics on the quick site (I may not be able to alter the layout, but gorramit I'll do cus...

For those who keep telling me that the reason I've lost my emotions is because I've chosen wrong in my life and I should change who I choose to be in my life. Here is a list of supposedly wrong choices: - I didn't get a chance to chose my relatives. If I did chose this life before I was born, I don't see why the hell I would agree to them or my body with all of it's genetic issues. - I chose various short term relationships based on chemistry, following my heart, friends, money/items wanted, the person was nice, interest, differing interests, same interests... all failed hard - I chose a close friend who I worked with, he was a bit older and responsible enough. We got along amazingly while we lived together for over a year. There was really no issue in our relationship except he wanted to go back to his ex gf. - I chose someone who was in the military, supposed to be full of honour and commitment. He was also born again Christian spouting off how he is a brothe...