Musings of a Dragonatrix

I know I get some detailed gross dreams, but magnesium just makes them worse. Doing 1500 mg. I was a drakkin working as a teacher's aid in a specialaist training school. I left and went over to the spa. I spot a few friends. As I join them I notice pain in my legs. I veered off to the housing area and into my apt. Wasting no time, I lay down with a chilled blanket over my legs. After a few hours I awoke and noticed more pain. I pulled back the blanket to notice the carapaces of at least 30 long, thin wasp like creatures. They were maybe 1/4" wide. Each had died and ripped a hole into my canvas jeans. I slowly pull them off, the husks hitting the floor in a pile, revealing the horror underneath. Each of the wasps had stung me with massive stingers and left them in the necrotizing wounds. Their venom was so potent that it even ate through our scaling. The stingers varied in size from half to an inch in width and at least an inch long. They had a barbed outter sheath which help...

I was listening to a lecture in the anxiety summit where the speaker was lecturing about how depression works. He spoke on a study where they forced mice to swim until they gave up. I suddenly remembered about how animals will go off from their pack when they are ill, crawling off to die. As the lecture went on he started saying the depression symptoms are supposed to protect the body. We get away from others, find somewhere dark and quite, sleep more, maybe eat less, all that allows the body to rest and repair. It was when it is chronic that it is seen as a problem. I always had this thought of my hermitism and celibacy both were a human form of crawling off to die. Now I find out it is an instinctual mechanism for the body to try to heal. Don't feel so off about it.

Within Gematria it is said that if two words or phrases equal each other then there are interrelating correspondences. To boil it down, if they equal each other they are the same. Long time ago I had checked my name and came up with a list of words that if you look at them they are slightly disturbing. Looking at them the other day I could not resist putting them into narrative form. They will be listed capitalized in Bold. A dream I've had since I was a child written to include the words that are within my Gematria correspondences: Upon the Bad Moon in the dead of night, The Fiend awakens and stretches her winged Basilisk form. The first thing on her mind was Kill Kill Kill. The Lord of some texts has deemed this night the Armageddon . The Cold Blood ed Demiurge has taken up her seat of power upon a Mighty and active Volcano . Since the world would not bow and worship her in her full glory as they are supposed to. She sits Hate-Filled and Calculated awaiting ...

I just blew my mind while messing with numerology. I sometimes run odd calculations when I get muddled by the ones I'm actually working on. The typical way to do the birth number calculation is per number. Shall use my birthday. - 1+0+0+7+1+9+8+1= 27 = 2+7= 9 I decided to see what would happen if I added the month to the date to the year as a lump: - 10+7+1981= 1998 = 27 = 9 It works with today's date as well: - 5+4+2+0+1+4= 16 = 7   vs   5+4+2014= 2023 = 2+2+3= 7 To further add to the mind blowing... 1998 was my glory year where I had everything I ever wanted in life (including having my musical talent broadcasted on worldwide tv and touring the us and canada) and was at my happiest. 27 is the year that the events that lead to my psychotic break and redefining "hell" started. I still love the number, it's always been my fave and a highly spiritual number 3^3, esp for draconic work.

I have had more than a few prophetic dreams in my life. I can usually tell when it is either prophetic or dealing with a psychological issue because those are the only times I dream as a human. But so far for this year can show the freakish level of detail I get. I will put the dream in brackets, the actual is normal. An Attempt to Kill: {I was at my friend's house for the first time. I was on one of two couches sitting with a male near me. One of her roommates got too close to me and I lounged over the couch to try to kill him. I was subdued gently until I calmed down. I cried in a bathroom while a brindle coloured pit bull licked my face constantly. I was given Valium to help calm me down til I could function.}  On New Years I was at my friend's for the first time. She did in fact have two couches. I was sitting at one while a director I work with (how her and I met) was on another. He said something that set off my PTSD. I blacked out, went off of the couch trying to ki...

It is no secret by now that the dragon side of me resents being in a human flesh bag. I notice that during the days I have a relapse or terror that makes my mind weaker I become very disgusted with myself. I find my dragon side absolutely degrading the human psyche for being so weak. I am impatient with that part of me because I am a dragon soul, I am above humanity, I should be past all that plagues the human mind. It's supposed to be a wondrous thing with unlimited potential, yet so fragile that it breaks with the slightest emotional issue. I wonder if my resisting therapy is the dragon part refusing to accept this weakness. I can't seem to pull my personalities together again because one half is disgusted with the other's weakness. I shouldn't need to have help and I should damn well have been over a pair of jackasses by now.

I have been keeping an eye on my mental state since I found out schizophrenia is heavily genetic. The psychologists I saw as a teen did not seem concerned about it. In fact the last one went "you're just sociopathic, no drug will help you and there's nothing I can do." Then wiped his hands of me. I have been working to keep myself in line on my own, esp the past four years as I developed an inability to trust anyone including myself so definitely was not going to a stranger to help me. I question how urgently I need to seek a psychologist because I don't know if my issues are due to the decades of trauma or if my psychotic break four years ago triggered a latent or controlled mental condition. Here are some things that make me question. I mentioned genetics because of the people I know of my relatives, 3 of 15 have been institutionalized for schizophrenia, schizoid effective and schizotypal (1 I know, 2 I know of). Pretty much one per generation have gotten hosp...

What Does Being Spiritually Modified Mean? I have pondered upon this and for once I have been all over the place in finding the words to write especially since I was trying to keep this strictly within the body modification realm. I will admit that I have not been in the right mind this year and very dissociated from myself so I cannot seem to connect to the part of me who channels the words my conscious cannot muster, but I shall do my best. To define what being "spiritually modified" means is a life-long journey unto itself. I don't know if I can fully answer this at the moment since it raises more questions than answers. Separately the terms define as follows. Spiritual refers to the supernatural. It is one's soul and the connection with the energy currents that run through the Universe. Modified has a polar definition: it is augmented, changed and converted, yet diminished, restricted and limited at the same time. Literally it can be defined as "a changed s...

I have long been feeling lost, disconnected and wondering what I am doing still here. This has started somewhat a year ago when I had to give up practice (for reasons I cannot remember now) and has been eating at me. I have always despised the form I am in while in the physical plane; I feel trapped, powerless and like I'm being punished by being here. I hear from my teachers and guides that I am here to do my job (spread chaos into people's lives so they can get past blockages and utter destruction to those who earn it), that my path is one I need to walk alone and there are lessons here that I can only learn while being in this form. These are not comforts to me, but they make me trudge on when I am otherwise dragging my feet. While reading from the Grimoire of Tiamat I have been able to make connections that make the above not as bad as I have been perceiving them to be. First off with my form; I have loathed humans for being slave creations of the bastard gods who ros...

I have always valued proper terminology when in conversation, especially when it comes to abstract concepts or spiritual discussion. Using proper terminology ensures there is no confusion and makes communication easier. I have noticed over the years in the occult community that people adopt terms and find a way to rationalize the use to make it ok. I end up adjusting what I call myself to try to not being associated with the groups who start to use the same terms for something else. One easy way to show this is in herbology. The differences between an infusion, maceration, decotion, extract, and essential oil is the process or things used. If you want to tell someone to make something, you use one of those terms and the person automatically knows what to do. It is completely unnecessary to go "hey you can make an extract but use oil as a base" when you can go "make an essential oil", this is what the terms are there for. To bring it back to the original intent o...