Personal Religious Progression

I found it very hard to believe in many concepts that people call "truths" from a young age. I was always questioning and felt off even when I played along with my family to avoid being beaten. I had a shamanistic view about the world and have always had a skeptical view on such notions like good and evil. I was constantly questioning and debating claims from the bible my grandparents tried to brainwash me with. I refused to believe my dreams, visions and connection with the dead were sins given to me by Satan and were a test to see if I could be righteous and not use them. I learned quickly to not bring it up. During first and second grade I attended an academy and we studied some anthropology. Once I got my nose into Egyptian, Greek, Roman and Native mythology sets I was hooked.

I found myself in a different home in jr high so I was able to really study more. I stayed mostly with the Native beliefs during a period of time where I was really proud of that part of my heritage. I still felt some things were off. I started playing connect the dots and came to a Theosophic point of view where everything was the same. All religions were the same, we were all united, all deities are the same, etc. I still found this very dissatisfying and felt mortally wrong. It was just as strong of a rejection feeling as ideas of angels/demons, good/evil, and dating exes of friends/family (or how someone else would feel about murder). In high school I really got into studying the different religions trying to find where I fit. Of course I had a period of time where I turned satanist as any rebellious teenager does. During college I explored satanism, but just like with a dislike of good/evil, I didn't feel right with the concept of Satan.

When I graduated college and moved across country I found ADF, a neo-druid organization, that had a local grove and joined them. I was at home with the warrior and ancestral worship, but still felt a little off. During a warriors group meeting I received the message "go with your own kind" as my patrons turned their back on me and left. This was about a month or two before I met my now exhusband and his path. When we got together I was introduced into draconic magick as practiced down his family line. He was taught by his grandfather and taught me so we could raise our kids in it. We worked to start a clan of our own and students to teach. Unfortunately things did not work well and I was kicked from the clan as he left me for one of our students. This is not a tradition I can just leave, the dragons held me to my oath of fidelity to them even though he and I split. I do miss the group dynamic, it pushes me when I get laggy or stuck and offers many things to learn.

Since the split I've been steadily studying more areas trying to fill in the gaps my ex didn't know. I've been to alchemy, apothecary, talisman, and necromancy classes, showing up to different open rituals during holidays for some holiday fun, searching out for a group to challenge me, and doing a lot of cleaning. I have arrived at a place where I'm shedding concepts that don't feel right with me and rationalizing out explanations as to why. The why isn't really that important, but some times I get irked when people spout off how I should feel or react because I'm human-- I don't feel that way.

I have settled into a blend of Draconian, Chaosophy, and Sumerian Paleo-pagan. The deities are all the same, just adding in the support from the systems. Also using shamanic techniques, alchemy and apothecary, and sigil work to fill it out.

I dislike being plagued and irked by things I don't know ... I must know and experience all.