Relationships and the Self
Growing up I kept hearing "you should grow up before getting
into relationships" and similar statements. I never really got
the concept in my youth. Of course I felt I knew who I was, I was
solid, I knew what I was doing and I was grown. I had no way to grasp
the concept back then, it really was something I had to experience.
I've been in relationships for the better part of 16 years, never staying single for more than a few days. It was almost like I was scared to be alone. I always identified myself as "so&so's wife", "I'm with him" or "Mrs. so&so". It's like I couldn't identify my Self or I didn't feel that I was worthy enough without being someone's wife. It was hard for me to take pride in anything that I did unless it was validated by the person I was with.
It was within the past two years that I've noticed that I really didn't take time to explore who I was first. I was told by a therapist who was helping me heal out of the last relationship that it was "OK to be selfish" and I was "allowed to remain single and love myself". Again these are concepts that cannot be seen fully till after the fact.
Now that I've braved being on my own (which is no small feat for post-abuse victims) and taken the time to heal all of my layers I've come to realize the importance of figuring yourself out first. Now that I am not just someone's wife I can actually contribute to a relationship and not just be someone's maid/whore/bank/punching-bag. This is almost a difference from the hormonal relationships driven by our bio-chemistry to procreate to a mature relationship that's about augmenting another's life by joining together.
That being said, I am still not in a place in my life where I'm willing to nor able to be in a relationship with someone, but I have years left in my life to do that. In the span of things, life is long enough without jumping from endless different relationships because I can't define myself without them.... I can spend a few years and do all that I left off on before I was started the relationship gauntlet. I am setting small goals to change things in my life enough to achieve that goal my inner child needs filled. Once that is done I'll reevaluate my stance on getting into a relationship. A few more years of being on my own won't hurt anything lol.
I've been in relationships for the better part of 16 years, never staying single for more than a few days. It was almost like I was scared to be alone. I always identified myself as "so&so's wife", "I'm with him" or "Mrs. so&so". It's like I couldn't identify my Self or I didn't feel that I was worthy enough without being someone's wife. It was hard for me to take pride in anything that I did unless it was validated by the person I was with.
It was within the past two years that I've noticed that I really didn't take time to explore who I was first. I was told by a therapist who was helping me heal out of the last relationship that it was "OK to be selfish" and I was "allowed to remain single and love myself". Again these are concepts that cannot be seen fully till after the fact.
Now that I've braved being on my own (which is no small feat for post-abuse victims) and taken the time to heal all of my layers I've come to realize the importance of figuring yourself out first. Now that I am not just someone's wife I can actually contribute to a relationship and not just be someone's maid/whore/bank/punching-bag. This is almost a difference from the hormonal relationships driven by our bio-chemistry to procreate to a mature relationship that's about augmenting another's life by joining together.
That being said, I am still not in a place in my life where I'm willing to nor able to be in a relationship with someone, but I have years left in my life to do that. In the span of things, life is long enough without jumping from endless different relationships because I can't define myself without them.... I can spend a few years and do all that I left off on before I was started the relationship gauntlet. I am setting small goals to change things in my life enough to achieve that goal my inner child needs filled. Once that is done I'll reevaluate my stance on getting into a relationship. A few more years of being on my own won't hurt anything lol.
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